blame it on my strength

.... dusting up

2011-12-04T06:41:00.000-05:00

It's been a while and a lot has happened in the past year. Good things and bad things. But that's life isn't it?

I currently have a full-time job working with dogs and it's exhausting yet rewarding. It's pretty loud too so when the dogs are barking and my boss is trying to talk to me -- I usually rely on lip-reading which works out pretty well.

I will be graduating this spring and I'm looking forward to it.

I'll try to come back and start posting again. How are all of you? I've been so out of the loop lately.

Relationships

2011-08-05T08:27:00.000-04:00

I went to the doctor two days ago and my boyfriend was mentioned in our conversation. "Oh that's great that you have a boyfriend! Now you can feel accepted by someone else besides your family and friends!"I instantly thought, 'But I'm not with him because he accepts me, I with him because I love him'. I wish I said that out-loud. I felt that her comment was offensive because I don't seek out relationships just to feel accepted and 'normal' nor to drain it with my insecurities. Rather, I seek them out to have someone that loves me for who I am and to have a friendship and moral support that I can treasure.

Would you guys find that kind of comment offensive too?

Zine for the Deaf

2011-08-05T08:16:00.000-04:00

So I've been thinking about setting up a zine based on the Deaf world somehow and wanted some input from you guys! A zine is a mini version of a magazine for those of you who don't know. Since there's only a few magazines for the Deaf, I think this would be quite a success! So far I had a few ideas to incorporate the writings and artwork of some Deaf people and interviews as well. It's still in the brainstorming process but I would love to get some ideas from you guys! What would you guys want to see in a zine based on the Deaf community/culture/world?

Please throw all your ideas out at me!

Music Through Deaf Ears

2011-07-29T18:36:00.000-04:00

I just bought a guitar online along with a copy of Guitars for Dummies. It should be arriving anywhere from Tuesday to Friday. I'm actually excited for it, to feel the music that I make in my hands. I used to take piano lessons for seven years when I was younger. The wooden piano with yellowed keys sits, forgotten as proof of my lack of interest. I couldn't understand or hear the music correctly.

I've only recently experienced music differently, in the Deaf way. It pounds through the air, leaving your bones trembling. You can really feel it, move to it. That's how I now 'listen' to music, through sensations more than sound. What is music for you? How do you 'listen' to it? Do you feel that music a part of the Deaf community?

Accented

2011-07-27T11:58:00.000-04:00

Lately more and more people recognize the fact that I am Deaf by the way I talk. The first time someone said told me that they could tell that I was deaf by my speech was when I was in group therapy the beginning of this year. I was surprised and hurt at first. So used to everyone praising me for how well I could speak I was, that it felt almost like an insult for someone to hint at the fact that my speech was laced with a deaf accent. But I quickly grew to accept that. I've been so much more open with my Deafness, telling people right off the bat that I am hard-of-hearing (gets less of a violent reaction compared to Deaf) and I need them to repeat what they just said. I know that there is a world out there that fits me so well, a Deaf community that I am a part of, that accepts me. It makes it so much easier for me to survive and function in the hearing world.

Does anyone else have a similar experience? Please do share!

I've also been increasingly more interested in interpreting songs into ASL and possibly recording myself and posting it on video. If it does work out, I will be sure to share with you! I now have three years of signing behind me and I'm proud of how far I've come along (though I do have a ways to go!).

updated apologies

2011-07-06T07:18:00.000-04:00

I think it's time for an update (and an apology).

I left you guys off when I was at a dormitory school far away from home. I have since left half way through the year since I was suffering depression and joined another mainstream school with a small deaf program in it. This school might be by far my favorite out of the four schools I've gone to. And the depression is under control for I have improved a lot.

But I made a hard decision to leave, again. This time it's towards college. I'm going to be completing my senior year of high school and freshman year of college simultaneously through a bridge program. I am unbelievably excited (and nervous) about it. It's something I've always wanted to do since I started switching around - to begin college a year early. It's quite literally a dream coming true for me.

I have my road test coming up in August and I'm going today to see if I can get a job at an organic farm/camp's kitchen. It might even be overnight if I decide to stay. I will try to post more about the little things that happen to me on a daily basis due to my deafness.

It's been a long and tiring journey for me and I'm ready to settle for two years in community college and get comfortable before I set out into the world again..... at least we hope!

How is everyone doing? I will be refreshening this blog up and going through all of yours. I must have drifted from the blogging world but here I am, hopefully to stay because it's a wonderful way to record my life and interact with others. Nevertheless, I apologize for my absence.

Hope all is well!

when beauty and technology clashes!

2010-12-22T18:35:00.002-05:00

I can see it. When technology gets advanced enough this snake will help you hear better. But for now it's just a unique piece of jewelry. One day...

Help Emilie

2010-12-19T19:25:00.003-05:00

"On the morning of Friday, October 8, 2010 Emilie Louise Gossiaux was struck by an 18-wheel semi-truck while riding her bike in Brooklyn, NY. She was rushed to Bellevue Hospital in Manhattan where trauma doctors performed emergency surgery to save her life. In addition to stroke, traumatic brain injury, and resuscitated cardiac arrest, she suffered multiple fractures in her head, pelvis, and left leg. She emerged from the ER in severely critical condition with a pessimistic assessment of her brain function. A “grim” prognosis was made of her chance for survival.

Born August 4, 1989 in New Orleans, LA, Emilie was diagnosed with moderate hearing loss at a young age due to an untreatable disorder. Her hearing deteriorated rapidly throughout her teens; a deficit that Emilie filled with a passion for visual art. She pursued her art education in high school at the New Orleans Center for Creative Arts, and, after evacuating from Hurricane Katrina in 2005, the Dreyfoos School of the Arts in West Palm Beach, FL. Emilie arrived at The Cooper Union School of Art in Manhattan, NY in 2007 for her undergraduate studies. Upon completion of her junior year in May 2010, she received cochlear implant surgery in her left ear to partially address her hearing impairment.

A month and a half after the Oct. 8 incident, Emilie's friends and family waited diligently at her bedside; she showed very few signs of mental functioning or response. Due to facial fractures, Emilie's mouth had been wired shut, a tracheostomy prevented her from speaking, and the integrity of her vision was in question. Finally in stable condition after multiple surgeries, doctors determined that Emilie was not cognitively ready for rehabilitative treatment, and should instead be transfered to a long-term nursing home facility. Although she was deaf and unable to communicate without assistive hearing devices, Emilie's boyfriend was still certain of her mental acuity and fought the hospital for her admission to rehab. By writing on her palm with his index-finger, he was able to communicate with her, proving her high-level cognitive function, and eventually coaxing her into allowing her hearing aid to be inserted. Once switched on, Emilie bounced back immediately, but not without recoil. Her memory and cognitive functioning were completely intact, but she awoke to discover that the trauma had left her blind.

Emilie was then admitted to the neurorehabilitation program at the Rusk Institute in Manhattan on Thanksgiving, where she remains today. Her outlook on recovery was set from day one. Simply happy to be living, Emilie approaches each day with positivity and thanks for the support from everyone around her. Despite her vision loss, Emilie is certain she will complete her final year at The Cooper Union, and is determined to help others by joining The Peace Corps as soon as she is able. She has many more surgeries and extensive physical therapy ahead of her. Please help Emilie begin her life again.

Emilie Louise Gossiaux is an artist, student, and survivor currently alive in New York, NY."

RANT

2010-12-13T00:06:00.003-05:00

I'm skimming through my old blog, snared soul and going back to all those highs and lows I had in crew truly makes me nostalgic for it. I finally proved myself to the JV/Varsity that I could row as well as them, heck even better. There was blood, sweat and tears, literally. I could row well and I loved doing it. I remember in the last month before I left mainstream, the other girls on my team (JV/Varsity) were actually starting to greet me in the hallways. That was something unheard of, it just something that doesn't happen. I had to leave though. I don't regret it but I think I'm ready to go back. To start rowing and losing myself in massive crowds. I'm talking to my old guidance counselor from there next week on monday to see if it's even possible in consideration of credits. The girl who is going back is different compared to the girl who may be coming back. Very different. I'm still struggling with my antisocial-ness but I will push myself to be more outgoing and initiate more conversations. It's my last year, how bad could it be? (I may eat my words later but hey, it's just another experience to learn from.) I would join the crew team (maybe) and newspaper club too maybe. I would have a car and be able to take myself to places. To get out more. I don't know why but I'm unsure about joining back the team even though I miss it. Sorely. I met up with my other old guidance counselor today and we were talking about services to help me understand the teacher. That gave me horrid flashbacks of previous interpreters. Not again.... but I wouldn't mind a notetaker. Then she brought up CPRINT but I had a hard time seeing myself with a laptop in the middle of class when everyone else has a notebook. I still don't want to stick out. I don't know what I'm going to do. I hate not knowing. I don't want to stay here because they restrict me so badly and just imagining myself back at mainstream with a car, independence and some new friends.... I want that kind of life, not to be trapped in the dorms here. But I'm not sure about the school itself. I'm not sure of myself, if I could even make friends and get the life like that. I just have to push myself. They say you should always follow your heart and to chase your dreams... both are directing me back towards mainstream.

We'll see.

The Anniversary

2010-12-12T01:31:00.002-05:00

One year ago on December 7th, it was a big, ambitious step for me. I transferred out of mainstream, a place I've been going to all my life, into a school for the Deaf. It's been a year and I came such a long way. I stumbled and fell numerous of times. What is that but life? I climbed back up to my feet and kept walking. It was all that I knew of, to keep getting back up and keep going.

The only difference between Now and Then is that Then I knew where I was going, I just didn't know what to expect.

Now I know neither, I don't know if I'm staying or going back to mainstream. I don't know what I'm looking for, just that I haven't found it. I don't know what to do, I can only fantasize life, the way I want my senior year to be. It's at mainstream. To chase it or not. I don't know.

It's only been a year since all that happened. A year. Roughly 365 days, 5 hours, 48 minutes and 46 seconds.

11-7-10

2010-11-27T16:19:00.001-05:00

I’ve been in silence for weeks now, only occasionally feeling the magnet pulling itself closer to my skull and holding the soft button down for five seconds to suddenly hear the world. It’s becoming less and less. But I’ve been secluded in the Deaf world, where there is nothing to hear. If I look out of the large windows in my dorm room, I can see the hearing world. Heck, yesterday I even ventured out there all day, Deaf not deaf. The areas we frequent at are actually quite deaf-friendly, they’ve seen many of us (humans who use their hands to communicate, not their vocal boxes) before. I use my cell-phone, gestures and lip movements to communicate instead of speaking up with what the hearing consider my ‘perfect’ speech. If I see one of my friends struggling to communicate, like yesterday one young fellow was asking where the water was but the man didn’t understand nor read lips. I spoke up and simply said ‘Water’. The hearing man looked at me, startled and quietly pointed us to the direction of the water’s whereabouts.

Even with a full silence, I still hear things. I’ve made a conclusion that they are sounds from my memory. If I see something fall I can ‘hear’ it. And lately whenever someone is signing, my mind makes up a ‘voice’ for them and starts to actually speak what is being said. As I sat by the window with the sun bathing me this morning, I heard strange, garbled voices - almost as if it there was a radio in my head. It’s not the first time either. I also have this squealing and ringing in my ears. I know it starts with a T but I forgot the word for it at the moment.

Sometimes I just want to hear the quiet-ness. I put my implant on when the voices started to bother me too much earlier this morning and suddenly all the fantasized sounds dissolved away and I could hear the clatter and rustling of my roommate cleaning up her room, the low hum of a piece of machinery somewhere and the clicking sounds on my keyboard. Atlas! I’m hearing the real ‘quiet’ not suffering in my mind’s noisy bubble of quiet. I guess that’s what happens when you are Deaf!

Happy Late Thanksgiving by the way.

Does a Cochlear Implant Ruin A Beautiful Girl?

2010-09-06T14:27:00.001-04:00

I was walking back to the dorms when I started conversing with this boy. Getting off well, we started with where we came from when he suddenly said "YOU HAVE A COCHLEAR IMPLANT?!" upon noticing it hidden in my hair. I said yes, adding that really I have two but I refuse to use the second because I'm not comfortable with it. He was really against it, explaining it all to me, how he's from a Deaf family, and how they are all against the CI. How he wished the man who invented it, never invented it. I was a bit shocked how he seemed to disappointed in me almost, I then explained to him that I'm not a person who supports the CI, I respect everyone's opinions and if they want the CI, fine go ahead, yet if they don't, big deal. Its their decision and I'm not going to force anything on them. I don't think that all of the deaf MUST have the CI. It's their decision. (Although I am a bit skeptical on implanting young children, babies, I can understand both sides of the argument and rather not participate in such a heated argument.)

Then he looked at me straight in the eye, and said "You are a beautiful girl but you're ruined with the Cochlear Implant." I would normally have been flattered by him calling be beautiful but the second part negated that compliment and changed it into something else. Something else that I dwelled on for a while after, I wasn't hurt by it, I was just trying to think from his perspective, to think deeper into it all.

Does getting a surgery that improves your hearing really destroy your beauty? Or does it rather exclude you from Deaf Culture? But still, how does it take away the beauty in a Deaf-strong person's eyes? Even if that person supports Deaf and ASL, are they still an ugly threat to Deaf culture? Does the implant really change who you are, become who you are?

I disagree. Partially because the CI has been 'forced' on so many youngsters including myself (I was too young to understand in 4th grade the dynamics of the CI) so those youngsters aren't given a fair chance either way. They weren't given the chance to choose which world they wanted to participate in, they were too young to even understand, so naturally with improved hearing, a hearing family and the ability to adapt well as a child, they side with the hearing world. Their way of thinking is influenced by the hearing, they think hearing, they act hearing, and they think they are as a matter of fact, hearing. All because they had very little exposure with the Deaf. But once they timidly step in the world, the Deaf turn against these 'hearing' deaf. The 'hearing' deaf was born into the hearing world, they were 'forced' upon they way they think and act, it was all they knew. Now they know there's a whole 'nother world of Deaf people and try to join in order to feel some sort of 'connection' with others, to feel included. But instead they face a mob of backs turned against them, because they grew up 'the wrong way'. Does this seem a bit unfair or no?

(I understand that some of these 'hearing' deaf are strongly against the Deaf, that some are abrasive and look down to Deaf. But that's not what all of the 'hearing' deaf are like. Some are willing to accept such a rich and strong culture, some want to learn all there is about it. It's the same situation with any group, society or culture, some individuals may be harsh and cruel but that doesn't mean the rest of the group, society or culture is that way. Don't assume that because one Geisha who is harsh and strict with her own children, means that all Geishas are like that with their own children. Take the time to learn the whole of a group, society or culture. The core.)

What are your opinions in regards to all this? To how the Deaf treat the 'hearing' deaf? To a beautiful girl being ruined by a Cochlear Implant? Please make it a respectful discussion not a bitter argument. The world has enough hatred in it.

Independently Deaf

2010-09-04T01:24:00.001-04:00

I'm used to Deaf people relying on my voice when they are trying to communicate with the hearing. Making sense of their flurried hands is harder than it may look. Especially when they are at top-speeds. They always had a 'look' that would ask me to voice for them. I would nod slightly back, waiting for my turn to voice for the deaf. It was our secret language with no words; verbally nor gesturally with signs. Oddly enough, when I spoke for them, I would speak more bravely, without a fear or a shakiness of confidence for they, the hearing, seem to always be in awe of me. I am the one after all that knows and communicates the two languages. I am the one that is teetering between two worlds, sometimes tilting dangerously on one side when I suddenly get yanked back into the other side. I gravitate in both and I'm proud of it even though it is a lonely spot to be in sometimes. Sometimes you just don't belong in either. You are stuck in the street between picket fences surrounding communities.

Theres one quiet boy with shaggy hair and bright eyes who knows less signs than myself. I talk to him sometimes, I just talked shortly with him a few hours ago when he wandered in, following the delicious scent of cookies with a guitar in hand, but I would like to join his lonely table during one the three meals next time. Really talk to him and befriend him. To lift the spirits of another lonely soul.

When he carefully placed his guitar onto the counter I was leaning against another lad went up to him and started signing to him. I watched their conversation. The lad was asking if the guitar was real or not. Shaggy hair didn't understand, no matter how slow or crisp the signs were, he just didn't understand. I spoke up when he copied of of the signs, asking what it meant. A flick with the index finger on the nose. Fake, I said. It means fake. The lad looked at me, giving me a joking look that he was annoyed. After objecting, I found out that he didn't want me to speak to help shaggy understand. Instead he wanted to use gestures and try to communicate himself with the boy. I was a bit surprised but I respected his wishes and left the conversation. Later on I realized how he just doesn't want to depend on someone else for communication, he wants to do it himself with whatever method works. I was pretty impressed at his independence for not being reliant on someone else. He wanted a straight-forward conversation without a 3rd person being involved as an interpreter. It taught me a lesson to only jump in to interpret when asked to do so and to encourage others next time to try and speak for themselves with whatever it takes.

Really when I first got here, my hopes were too high. They got crushed, no, rather they were shredded up and shoved down my throat. I honestly felt like I was back in the mainstream environment sometimes. Lonely, not able to socialize because of my shyness and lack of confidence in my communication skills. I thought it would be like the other deaf school I just left. No, it's a bigger school, there's more kids, the new kid doesn't matter as much to them as it would in a smaller school. There was 41 other new kids besides, I was just another strange face to them. Just another one. I was nearly pampered at the old school, they crowded around me, dragging me everywhere with them, talking with me all the time, thus I became more social. I may or may have not expected this from the kids here. But it took a few days, long days before I started signing happily and smoothly as I do around friends. Hours of me isolating myself in my room, shared with two other girls, so I can complete the workload that comes with two AP courses and one Honors, also a physics class. Hours of me being utterly exhausted before it was even lunchtime, for I wasn't used to that much signing compacted in such a short amount of time. I wasn't used to the speed of it. Only with the passing of each day, did the social improve, slowly, bit by bit. Hopefully it will continue.

I was pretty wiped out by the end of each day. And now it's the end of the week, I'm yet still awake in the dark hours of the morning, one am. I should be sleeping right now, catching up on all the energy that has been drained out from me in the past 5 days. But here I am, sitting on the bottom bunk, the naked mattress above me awaiting a new student to join. Next semester there will be a flood. Funny because at the old school, you could join anytime. They wanted you, they needed you. But here, they close off when the students can join. They do want you but they don't really need you.

Do you like it here so far? Something that I get asked daily. I'm still meeting new faces, 5 days later. (I had the whole old school down in less than 24 hours.) It's improving, it's pretty cool here. They are hard on you academically, they give you a lot of independence. It's a taste of collage life. They don't move slowly, they teach fast and if you get left behind, they will willingly help but only outside of class hours. It's almost starting to feel like camp, a little more at home. Except at camp I haven't seen the faces at all after a week or two. I'm going to be seeing theirs for the remainder of the year, possibly two. I'm going to be friends with them.

Let's see how the weekend works out.

clashing of worlds

2010-08-26T20:57:00.005-04:00

Well, I visited the school and I'm going to be the new girl again this Monday. I'll have to dig through layers of human flesh and lies, finding which ones are worthwhile and which ones are fake. I am unbelievably excited for the academics.

But I am a little nervous that this school doesn't have much voice available. I was observing during a psychology class and there was absolutely no voice. There was a small class discussion and the hands were just flying away. I got the basic idea but I think I was missing out on some stuff. That's the thing, I don't even know if I am!

I've only been signing for a year. No, not even a year. December 7th will mark the anniversary of my using sign language as a way to communicate, not just to amaze the hearing with the few I knew. All the teachers (except one) spoke and signed at the school that I'm leaving. It helped me more than I probably think it did.

Will I be ok transferring into an environment of straight ASL without voice? Apparently there are 7 other students who don't know any sign and have voice interpreters with them. Perhaps I could mingle with them to get a break from hands? I know that I have this certain point when I get an overload of sign language, I tend to tune it out. I'll watch you sign and nod my head like I understand but my mind is else where, exhausted.

There are so many people against me transferring. They all say I'm obligated to stay because I help their academic and athletic teams do better. I must stay! But like my father says, I have to do what's best for me not them. This is my life after all.

Oh by the way I found a boathouse that is TEN MINUTES AWAY FROM THE SCHOOL I AM TRANSFERRING TO! The school literally got 200 times better after I found that out. (New to the blog? I used to row way back when, when I was still mainstreamed. Really it was only a year ago. Not even. Anyways, rowing did a lot for me. Boosted my self esteem and helped me get where I am now.) I am absolutely thrilled at the possibility of being back on the water with blisters blistering my hands. I realize that this may seem strange to many. Blisters are the scars you get from this sport, ones that show just how hard you worked. I still have to figure out the transportation and times but it seems like its going to work out!

I noticed something about deaf culture that just clashed with the hearing culture while I was visiting with my family. We had a voice interpreter for my family does not know any sign language except for some basics. We were talking with one of the dorm staff who was signing away when she noticed that my mom wasn't paying attention. She started waving at her to get her attention. My mom was listening to the voice interpreter while looking around in the room we were in. She did something that is considered to be very rude in Deaf culture because eye contact is the only way to have a conversation but in the hearing world it's common for one to look around while having a discussion.

I have less than 3 days to pack and get ready for school. I'm excited for the academics and crew but nervous for the social bit. What else is new? I'm ready for a new adventure!

I never stop do I?

2010-08-23T19:33:00.005-04:00

Hi. I recently returned from an overseas trip to Germany with my grandmother (where this photograph of a young boy on his pink bike was taken). It was my sweet sixteenth birthday present. I met some relatives and had a splendid time for the 9 days I was there. There was a communication barrier of course, they spoke German and I did not. But this barrier did not bother me as much as it would have to a hearing person. The reason being that I'm used to situations like that, to sitting at a table and having no idea what is being said, to not even bothering trying to make sense of it all and simply ignoring the chatter, to getting lost in my own little world, keeping myself occupied as they ramble. I used the exact same technique over in Germany when my grandmother and relatives would lose themselves so deeply into their conversations. They did speak little English and we had great fun trying to make sense of each other. It often progressed to a game of charades. I taught them basic signs and they caught on quite quickly. We even using the signs to help each other understand our points sometimes. I loved imitating their accents but was never able to properly pronounce some of the words because of a particular sound. It sounds like a gargle in the back of ones throat but they do it differently and I never could figure out just how they produced such a sound. They laughed hysterically every time I said chocolate milk for some reason. I had a really nice time and nowI'm back home in America.

The two deaf camps I went to were fantastic. I had so much fun with all the new friends I met and made. Friends I actually can understand. I don't miss out on anything in conversations and if I do, I don't feel like a burden to them when I ask them to clarify themselves. It's nice. Really nice.

Tomorrow I'm embarking on a 6-hour car drive south. I'm going to tour another school for the deaf. This particular school has a bigger population (much bigger compared to the one I'm attending now) and a better education. I really need the education part. The school I attend now... they are so small that they can't offer much. The classes were so easy that by the end of the year, I got so fed up that I just stopped doing what was required of me. Report card? The markings were lower than usual but I still passed everything. The one thing that bothers me was the 78 in Art. I never go below 80. Ever. And art? I love art. It was that final project I pushed aside and never completed. This normally isn't me. I'm usually an 'A' student. When I feel challenged, I work hard. When I don't, I lose motivation and it shows on my grades.

So here I am, stuck between two schools once again. There is a very good chance for me to be transferring (yet again) to this school. It has everything I want. What's holding me back? The friends and memories I have there. But we all need to move on don't we?

Well that is all I have to update with. Hope everyone is doing well!

2010-08-10T00:39:00.002-04:00

On car rides home when everything is dark except for the back-lit dashboards, I feel blind because I cannot see their lips.

Transitions

2010-08-08T09:01:00.003-04:00

All my summer has been about is the transition between the hearing and Deaf world. As soon as I step off the train, my hands start flying to greet one of my good friends. They continue to bend and flex throughout the weekend and as soon as I step back onto the train they immediately cease off in motion. Not until we pull up to the two deaf camps I've attended in the past 3 weeks, do they start flying away again. They were emotional weeks that drained me. Yet the transition is smooth and instinctive.

There is one last transition before the summer ends for me. In a foreign country, I will have to make sense of their language and get by with little being spoken. I think I would adjust to this situation better than most because in a mainstream school that was what I was exposed to on a daily basis. I hope that the little communication will prove to be a positive thing, to be a relaxing, simple ten days surrounded by beauty. A time to let go and breathe for once.

I hope your summers are treating you well.

musical tastebuds

2010-07-06T14:02:00.001-04:00

music make this., originally uploaded by (from a second story)Mike Bailey-Gates.

Whenever I feel out of place, I pull out the music. The way I listen to music is not by making sense of the lyrics (I won't even know if the song has explicit language until someone's expression tells me otherwise) or distinguishing the different instruments. Instead, I let the melodies dance in my mind, the rhythm flow through my core and harmonies tingle on my skin. I merely listen to what is presented to me and if it moves well with me, it becomes a favorite. For this reason, my small collection of songs are greatly varied and what some would call 'strange'.

For those of you who listen to music, how do you listen to it?

apple rut

2010-07-05T23:27:00.002-04:00

My mind is no longer immersed in either the Deaf or hearing world, instead it's immersed in life itself. Tell me what you want to be reading from me and I will post it. Seriously, I'm desperate here. I don't want this blog die off just yet. Ideas, topics, questions, anything. Comment your demands.

The only thing that is propelling this post to be posted is the commercial I just saw. Apple's iPhone 4. The solider and his wife sign through the phones, 'I miss you', 'I miss you too', 'I love you' too. A sweet touch and positive awareness for the Deaf.

What's happening? Everything.

2010-05-23T20:48:00.006-04:00

When you claim your own acceptance to yourself
curtains will fall and you can see others insecurities about you.
Like a sister, like an old friend.

Many curtains have been falling,
red velvet ones, sketchy parches ones, thick black ones that no light could penetrate and transparent ones where my sight was hazy.

Some still hang before me,
saving it for later.

A year ago I was finishing off a season of crew,
sign language wasn't even on my mind.

Now I sorely miss the throbbing veins of my angry coach and my blistered hands,
and tend to finger spell to myself when I am wandering alone through aisles in stores.

I finished a presentation recently,
one that caused my legs and hands to tremble so badly
(I don't remember ever being as nervous as I was)

I was standing before all those who influenced me so much,
telling them my story,
telling them how much each one of them impacted me.

It was for a $2500 scholarship that I lost,
I expected the loss yet I still won.

Only if I could have told my story with more confidence
in spite of the crowds.
Perhaps next year.

I've learned so much and am still learning. Friends come and go. Holding on makes things harder, letting go lets you move on. People aren't who you really think they are. You never know what comes with tomorrow. Life is short so have some fun. Everyone has flaws. Grab life by the shoulders and hop on for the ride, do not be afraid. To breath in the goodness of beauty and earth itself as often as you can, to reconnect and revive. You will fall but you can catch yourself. Things may break, you will catch yourself. To leave an impact on others.

Drama-less mainstreamed?
Be prepared to have yr underpants blown off when you attend a school for the deaf.

I feel like I am stuck swimming in between the worlds. It's much easier to have them separate than to try and mush them together. I spent the weekend camping with a total of 5 deaf friends. My parents are extremely limited in their signs. One of these friends brought along their hearing cousin who is one of my good friends too. The jumble of it all became chaotic and a bit stressful but I still had a wonderful time with everyone, well almost everyone. It was in celebration of my soon to be sixteenth birthday coming up. A sweet sixteen was something I had always looked forward to but now that it's here . . .

I want to post more. In the past, I would post the experience of transferring and whatnot but now I am so settled in that it all seems like home to me. Nothing new to talk about really. But now I want to try and take bits of my everyday life between the hearing and deaf world and expand them into posts. I do miss my cyber friends after all.

Hello again.

Hakuna matata for this too shall pass

2010-05-02T20:13:00.005-04:00

We were surrounded by vocalizing humans with a language of our own. The language was so visualizing that some lips wavered to watch. What is normality for him, too is for me. Though it would have not been a year ago, that's what life is about. Surprises and fun. The unexpected places you will stand in the future.

Are you standing somewhere that you wouldn't have expected to be standing a year ago? How did you get here? Are you satisfied with that change? Instead of deciding where you want to stand in five or ten years, why not decide where you want to be in 6 months? A year?

"I think of being deaf like speaking another language."

2010-03-14T14:10:00.007-04:00

We are nothing of a different breed. Similar to the Chinese or Itlaians, we are only different in culture, customs, language and whatnot. We are still the same animal, beastly animals. Language shouldn't divide for our dna proclaims us being connected to the apes. We came from the same place, let's be friends shall we? To not be radical of others, to be happy.

Nothing is what it seems,

2010-03-08T00:47:00.003-05:00

Eating dinner, entertained at the act of a sophomore trying to pronounce names. So determined as he breaks the words down into kee ma rah or ah man da. It's not the deep voice of a boy breaking into manhood as you would expect. A voice hardly used needs to be warmed up. It's high pitched and you can barely comprehend the awkward accumulation of babbling tones.
Then they begin hollering and hooting like all teenage boys do. Their voice is so deep, the deepest I've ever heard. I can feel it in my bones and within my abdomen. My stomach resonates the sonorous voices.
From accented shrills to the room reverberating from rumbles of bass voices.

2010-02-28T21:13:00.001-05:00

(Busy week indeed. A basketball tournament that was 10 hours away on a very tiny bus. I felt right at home; with the majority of the crowd speaking my language. Sign Language. I met a really funny boy, he was so serious yet he teased often. Said he was practicing to become an actor. Practice kills – comprehending the flurried hands has drained me. As did playing the hardest game we ever played. Especially with 6 hours of sleep; tops. We lost but it felt like a win. I had fun but I’m relieved that the season is over. There’s always next year.)

A shock of cold steeps through calloused skin, numbing nerves, setting your heart off off on a flutter of panicked, rapid beats. Run little girl, run. Bitterly frozen cheeks; ears wailing of being stung. Excited beings of fur leap on broken legs and hips. She unleashes them with stumbling fingers, red with cold blood. They howl as they leap across the blinding field of crystallized glass. Sprinting through the snow to be gone of the nipping at her soles only accumulates the glass. Sharp pains bite into warm flesh. Bleeding; once warm now cold. Run little girl, run. Clambering up, yanking doors open; a mob of frigid beings pour through to be hit with warmth. A collision of the lava and the arctic forms what? Or does something just form? Could it explode into infinity? Can one overpower the other? Will comfort be found?

2010-02-14T23:25:00.003-05:00

To those who supported and helped me,

It’s been six months since I went to camp. I waited this long to write you a letter not because I’ve been procrastinating but because the experience you gave me was something that completely changed my life and who I am now. It’s hard to put down on paper, my thanks, for words are too simple and too often overused. But I want to try expressing my gratitude again.

The past six months have been mind-blowing; so much happened and so much changed. The December following camp, I transferred from a public school of 4000 students to a school for the deaf with only 3 other students the same grade as I. It was a big decision but not one that I regret. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy in a school environment, heck I’ve never even been this happy so long; three months and counting. For 41 full days, I’ve been able to talk and laugh endlessly with my newfound friends without missing a beat in the conversations. We are all on the same level. The friendships that I made are probably the strongest ones I’ve ever had. It’s truly a wonderful thing to have such friends that support you as you support them.

But all this originated from on place – camp. What you gave me was the experience of a lifetime. If someone asked me what was the best time I ever had in my life so far, I would say ‘camp’ without a hesitation. The friends I found and lessons I learned from there were all unbelievably strong ones with a huge impact. We stuck up for each other and went ahead to have the time of our lives.

Camp was the first crack at the shell that trapped me for too long. I grew a little; my self-confidence skyrocketed as I went on back home, reflecting on what had just happened. I got to be around others just like myself in everyway possible and see that the Deaf truly are capable of anything. All the stereotypes and assumptions of the Deaf only weighed me down and yet at camp I felt released. It was a small world of extraordinary people lifting each other higher into the sky to the clouds only to be able to perceive the world from a different perspective.
At the end of the day, I am just externally grateful for your generosity. The experience you’ve given me is one that I will never forget for it changed me into who I am now.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart,
Kristi

2010-02-12T21:21:00.001-05:00

Idenitiy is lost to labels. Distant firecrackers broughtback a wall
of
flashbacks that stilled me for moments of time. I'm sorry for having so
much
fun. Dead honestly is wanted. The rush of The Best Of Both
Worlds
submitted
and completed. Inspired and renewed. Keep on trying --
you are not
forever.

the game plan

2010-02-07T00:20:00.005-05:00

the wee hours of morning
tracking through the past
counting success.
if enough to be
realeased a year premature,
to try for the beginnings
of true liberty,
begin the establishment
of the first blueprint
of life.
Sketching out dreams,
fantasies worry-less.
Raking in rewards
totaling them together;
forming a game plan.

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE AND EVERYTHING TO GAIN

2010-01-31T21:54:00.003-05:00

written 15 days ago:
memories of child dreams
smiles that hit hard
human flesh that build up to strength
truths in the faint light of stars

pink flesh
pearly bones
same
black skinned.

Born conceived,
grew deceived.

Rapped of identity,
stripped of opinions,
burned of speech,
killed of existence
:simple solutions.

Happiness slipping through
clumsy hands.
Irresponsible wishes never granted.
Go Sculpt Your Deaths.
All the while blazing,
destroying, abandoning.

Burn into hearts,
shred the way to memory,
break tamed souls.

I splurged and packed in preparation for this week.

Bring
it
on.

Have a nice week.

2010-01-24T14:29:00.001-05:00

I'm starting to feel deprived of the things I once rendered useless, worthless: the education taught by teachers. The past month felt almost like a summer vacation with a simple workbook that I have to do daily before I can have fun. I'm pleading to go to the mainstream school for a Chemistry class. I miss science. I'm yearning for a challenge. The excitement of chaos have settled down to a schedule. My spirit cannot be contained no longer. It needs change, diversity, transfiguration, pandemonium, confusion. It cannot survive within organized systems. It lives life day by day. The charisma is getting old. Desperate for a fresh face, for a truthful rumor, for freedom. It's in denial of homesickness that feels more like nostalgia. Passing the familiar decaying town to reach the boathouse, the school it graduated from prematurely, the bedroom filled with books, ancient cameras and plants, it all extinguishes me. Outgoing hands have quietened to deep thoughts. Music strings out notes of all genres to keep some diversity in the day. I am happy, the happiest I've ever been. It's a record now, 6 weeks of pure happiness. I've laughed more in a week there compared to a month of old times. Teeth of bones have flashed to infinity. I've helped many and befriended more. Rejoicing spirits but trapped. Like a yellow singing canary stuck in a cage, I feel. Sacrificing to a trapped schedule for blissful happiness. Was it worth it? Is it only cabin fever, being trapped indoors under florescent lights with plastic plants in stale air? Can you be depressed of happiness?

I'm not getting the best of both worlds.

photographs are a blast from the past

2010-01-17T19:22:00.014-05:00

First I had nothing but them.

As the years whirled by, the inseparable was dissolving away. Smiles became fake, derived only from strength.

Tears came first. Blood came second. Sweat came last.

I was rescued two times. By a sport and a camp.

The transormation the grew in me, which came from other human beings who suffered like myself, changed my life.

Forever.

It has ended with this.

2010-01-16T16:02:00.005-05:00

through formspring I asked young artists (under the age of 20) this question anonymously.

what’s the first thing that pops in you mind when you hear the word ‘deaf’?

exhibit #1 Sadly, the first thing that pops into my head is a little baby born deaf… Not able to hear her mother screaming or the doctors and nurses and family gushing over them. I think of a little baby born into a world of silence.

exhibit #2 i think that i am very lucky that i am healthy and i can hear, see, smell perfectly. hearing that word makes me feel like i’m taking my health for granted, which i am. i was walking through a store yesterday, and for a split second, i wished i was blind so i could learn how to actually appreciate my health.

exhibit #3 My first thought: those who are deaf, by only hearing what they want, but not medically, and actually deaf.

exhibit #4 Someone who can’t hear… and I’d feel bad for them. Sometimes when I say it in my head, it sounds like death to me.

exhibit #5 The first thing that pops into my mind is “NO MUSIC OH NO D:” Then the second thing is “Radtimes” because I really really want to learn american sign language.Then the third thing is… I don’t know. I don’t really know any deaf people offline. The only deaf person I ever knew online was back when I was in middle school, so a good 5+ years ago.

I think the perspective of deaf culture is slowly evolving. With the new generation coming and fresh minds being welcomed, the outlook of deaf culture is in our favor. But the frame of mind of those within deaf culture is blemished, for they continues to disintegrate the rich culture with harshness. Never did I suggest unity or mountains, but setting aside the spit for a better world. Space is 'a place available for a particular reason'. Clashing occurs eventually for these territories are still in the same area, on the same continent, on the same Earth, in the same solar system, in the same galaxy, in the same universe. Go off in your direction, your mind, soul and heart will linger behind. Home is where all are disabled in hearing in someway, whenever, wherever and whatever. There's no place like home. Depending on your perspective, on where you stand things could look either way, far better or far worse. The future continues to sit in our hands, some irresponsible, some stubborn, few considerate.

2010-01-09T16:20:00.005-05:00

There's more regard and less respite
toward this strange language.
Treading toes on
mystic lands.

The suspension of
a new age.
Mist thickens,
fog disperses.
The aliens are learning
and spreading pig flu
despite the elders
outcries and clamor.
The veterans
hiss, howl, screech, kick, yowl and scratch
to resist.

The youth are timid
yet rebelling.
Bull-headed ancestors
will soon fade,
the future falls into fresh hands.
Less anxiety more content
with
different inscriptions.

Tongues imprinted on hands,
vocals expressed through hands.
The legendary language
slowly transforms to natives.

2010-01-03T00:48:00.004-05:00

Eight women and girls sat around the big, solid table and spoke whatever came to their minds. Voices frequently overlapped. Kept my patience as conversations rolled one after the other. Then my new school was mentioned. Instantly alert, I took the table. They shot me with questions that I shot back with answers. The conversation flowed on. My mom spoke of a deaf girl who was raised oral and despised her parents because they couldn't take the time to learn sign language. I admitted that it did frustrate me how they knew no sign. I told them that ASL is a language itself, some were surprised, and about the big conflict about ASL vs. CIs. I told them how some deaf people just embrace their deafness and feel that it is a part of them. I tried to explain how I imagined a Deaf person would feel compared to a deaf person. I tried to help them understand why they felt that their ears shouldn't be 'fixed' with CIs. There I was sitting at the great table speaking their language with such accuracy and there they were trying to visualize what I would be like had I gone down the Deaf path. One said that, we should take advantage of the little hearing we have left. I agreed but kept an open mind to those who feel otherwise. I said that I was happy with the way I was raised but did not tell them why. The knowledge flowed out of my mouth and seeped across the table into their ears. Never have I talked to this many people about deafness that much before. It felt good to illuminate the topic of deafness for these women and girls. It felt good to advocate and build up awareness. It felt good.

2010-01-01T14:50:00.004-05:00

"It's like there's a civil war between the deaf. We are taking a step back by fighting each other instead of taking a step forward by working together, despite our differences, to achieve greater things." I was talking to PinkLam about the debate in the Deaf world and that was my conclusion about it.

I am having trouble posting this video but it's a great one with a wonderful message so please watch it here.

2010-01-01T00:42:00.003-05:00

Do you want to proceed?

Those words hit me on a different note. Do you want to proceed with your life?
Put everything, good and bad, to the past and start anew? Do you want to move
on? To take lead and take control? Do you want to take the regrets, mistakes
you've made and use them to do better things in the future? Do you want to take
everything that has happened to you, and put it all to good use? To make use of
it all? Even the things that no one should ever have to go through? Do you want to
continue on with your life and see where this adventure goes? Do you want more?
Do you want to help others? To seek out to those going in a downward direction?
Do you want to learn something? Do you want to find another friend, possibly a
partner for life? Do you want to say good-bye? To give yourself another chance?

I clicked yes. Happy New Years everyone! I truly hope that everyone has a
fantastic year! Keep strong and keep that smile on your face. forgive&forget

2009-12-29T14:48:00.005-05:00

November 20, 2008

To whom it may concern,
I have been researching about other services to use to help me get all the information I need in my classes. I currently use an interpreter but since I never use sign language myself, I do not understand the signs very well. Usually I listen and lip-read the teacher, then if I miss anything I would look over to the interpreter and lip-read her. This method of mine usually does work, but when it doesn’t I’m usually left extremely confused until I can figure it out or raise my hand.

So upon my research I found Typewell. Basically it’s a service where there’s a transcriber that types what the teacher says into a laptop and that information is automatically sent to my laptop that I will have with me in my classes. With this service I can read over what the teacher said, instead of looking everywhere trying to figure out what I missed. I really do hope you will consider this service for me, for I think I will benefit from this much more than an interpreter. There is more information about TypeWell in the next few pages and online at www.typewell.com.

Thank you for your time,
Kristi K. (Freshman)

I just found this on my computer. I struggled so much with the interpreter, she was making things too obvious me. She was revealing me (a friend told me, once I left my old school, that my math class was talking about me and some students had no idea that I was deaf. They thought the interperter was for a freshman. Oh, the irony!) Kids giggled at her whenever she fell asleep in class and I didn't care if they were laughing at her, all I knew was that they were laughing. I was embarrassed. I wanted something different and this Type-well, was like a godsend to me. It really would have helped me more too. Just look at where I am now. It makes me smile, how much better things have turned out. It gives me hope.

2009-12-28T10:50:00.002-05:00

This senior asked me to help him with Biology since I already passed the regents last year. I agreed and we met in the science room after school. I turned on the light bulb above his head on several topics. We shook hands that if I helped him with Biology, he will help me with Basketball. When we were done, we walked back to the dorms together. A long walk indeed. He asked me if I was having any problems and I said no. He looked a bit surprised. He then told me his experience when he first arrived. He was extremely oral like me and knew no sign. He was 15 years young at the time. Everyone hated him, some still do now. He never played basketball before, 'like you', he added with serious eyes and a dark finger pointing at my chest. He claimed that he was a violent person. He used to hate white people, 'but I love them now!' he laughed. He had a tough time. Now he's the star of the sport teams. He can be found in the newspaper. He told me 'You know you could do the same things I've done?'. He told me to work hard. He opened up to me so I opened up to him. He inspired me. December 10, 2009

2009-12-26T22:36:00.006-05:00

It's nice having a handy daddy around who can figure out very obvious things for you. You see I got a purple nano ipod today and bought an acrylic case to go along with it. I plugged in my own personal earplugs that connect from the ipod to my implant and the results weren't pretty. There was a strange static sound that would occur every now and then - it hurt my head. And I couldn't stick the thing into my pocket because the plug wouldn't go all the way in, hence the plug would loosen up in my pocket and no music was to be heard. I was panicking that the cord (which is around 100 bucks) or the ipod (a 150) was faulty but dad came to the rescue and fixed it. The case prevented the plug to be fully plugged in. DUH!
The music is so very wonderful.

I changed the layout simply because I had nothing to do.

2009-12-25T21:27:00.002-05:00

The Christmas spirit has died out on me this year. Does that mean I am an adult now? If so, I am disgusted and disappointed. It was the first time I've ever left the house on Christmas Day. We went to my aunt's house. After dinner, my aunt's parents unexpectedly came to visit. The mother's voice was extremely quiet. I simply could not hear a whisper out of her. Reading her lips was like trying to read the lips of a mannequin. I just grinned, looked at my sister who answered the woman's questions for me and tip-toed away. What am I supposed to do with these people? Tell them to raise their voices? Isn't that rude?

Anyways, I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday this year!

Owls hear that way.

2009-12-24T15:31:00.004-05:00

Right handed.
Left sided.
Strangely perched,
strangely there.

Different tingles, certainly not sounds.
Mind violently twitches at the merry-making clamber.
Blocked off.
Play some music - keep on trying.

Turn your head to the right,
strange sensations pierce the brain.
Turn your head to the left,
comforting music sings.

Owls hear that way
with their heads cocked to hear better.
(As a little girl
head turning in every direction,
seeing how different that car sounded
when looking forward or to the side.)

Keep on trying -
it's not forever.

Long hair helps,
hide it,
keep it a secret until New Year's.
Surprise them,
bring shocked smiles to their faces.
Make them proud.

Wait until it blends in,
until tingles become words.

Keep on trying.

(Listen or feel: To Live Is to Fly -Townes Van Zandt)
Does anyone know how to post music?

2009-12-19T00:01:00.003-05:00

I struggled with my deafness, myself, my body. Everything about me was just another thing to hide, another obstacle in the way. Knives laughed as they bit my skin. She helped to float me back to the surface and get a breath of reality. She had her first crack at my shell. Oars befriended me. People did not. When that oar was taken away, the knife laughed again. Her words did not repeat in my mind but her presence lingered. I was half-drowned and half-alive. Memory replayed to happy times. Mother asked a question of happiness. Life clicked fast-forward. A wave overwhelmed me and left me washed up at the shore. Renewed and spared. Hello, my name is Kristi. I am a hard-of-hearing girl who wants to help others after someone helped me. Please talk to me (kristimar.e@live.com) or (I'd rather do it anonymously).

2009-12-18T21:16:00.007-05:00

Second week at a high school for the deaf. My high school for the deaf. My second family resides there. My language increases day by day. An agreement for me to help him with his Biology and him to help me with my basketball skills is working out quite well. (I played three basketball games this week and coach refused to sub me out. It's exhausting and painful to play 3 full games all in a row. Wednesday: it was at the end of the game with a minute left on the clock. Someone pushed me as I was about to shoot which is a foul. So I got two free shots. I quickly glanced at the scoreboard and caught the ball from the referee. 24-24. One dribble, forgot the anticipating eyes, crouched, paused and shot. Score. Missed the second. They kept the ball away from opposing team from the remainder of the game and we won. Our first win and my first basket. Yesterday I scored us 5 points. I think I am getting the hang of this whole 'game' with an orange ball and it's rules.) I'm friends with almost every high school student by now. I learned that home is not just a place where you live. It's a place of comfort, happiness and laughter. I've also been inspired by two boys to start listening to music more, to start dancing more, to have a good time. I just found an audio cable that connects my CI to the ipod I found on the counter. It actually works. I'm now looking into getting an ipod. Just two weeks ago ipods were just a piece of neat looking technology that I would never get to use. I want to fall asleep to music now. The world of music has just tripled in size for me. Hi music.

When one door closes, another opens.

2009-12-13T20:27:00.007-05:00

The day before today, life came in a full circle. Turning point of my human life: it came earlier than I thought it would. A day of deep thoughts, steaming tubs, whispering memories and many punches of realization and truth.

"I've always wished that there was someplace that I could go away too........ every time I looked at you I got a reality check. If you were strong enough to get through the day and smile and act like everything is okay, then obviously since I have it so much easier than you I should be able to too. In many ways you were my inspiration......... When you left I guess I wished that I could just follow you wherever you were going. But here in the real world I guess it's time for me to grow up and realize that's there's just no logical reason for me to feel the way I do. I have a roof over my head, I have a good family, and overall I'm pretty healthy. And I guess no matter how bad I'm feeling it just feels wrong to compare my pain to yours." "Stay well and stay happy Kristi." "You mean more to people(including me) than I think you realize."

"I learned some things from you, to stand strong behind what I felt was right was one of them. I stood behind my decision of transferring to another school even when others felt that it would be an disadvantage for me. So thank you for being who you are. I was not born with the strength to keep a smile. I got it from experiences and people, and you are one of those people."
"I have the same stuff you do, a good family, good health and a roof over my head. People in the streets don't have that stuff and yet some can continue to smile. They are the true inspiration. The true reality checks. Don't beat yourself up too hard, life is easy for no one. Everyone has a hard time whether it be physically, mentally, emotionally or whatever. Everyone is entitled to feel pain. Don't punish yourself for feeling human.
You can follow me but in your own way. Do the things that make you happy. You and only you. Find a place you would like to go away to. Work to get there."
"I'm always on your side even if you send rabid elephants to chase me down."

The events of my roller coaster life finally connected the day before today. Everything lead to where I am sitting, what I am thinking and how I feel right at this very moment. And I am grateful.

(Tell me something or ask me something anonymously please.)

2009-12-12T14:53:00.004-05:00

I remember as a Kindergardener I had a question for my mother:

Mommy, what number do you hear at?

She asked a question. I tried to explain, I said that my hearing aid can be as low as 1 or as high as 8. Each level sounded different. At number 8 I felt that I could hear everything. Not so much at number 1. I wanted to know how well hearing people can hear. I wanted to know if I could hear as well as the hearing with my aids.

I don't know...

My old hearing aids were donated to a little deaf boy that my father knew.

2009-12-12T12:04:00.003-05:00

It's not even possible for me to have that much fun at my old high school.

I got along really well with almost everyone. I finally have friends who are boys. I kept the open mind and heart that I had at camp. I was happy again. Some of the academics are challenging enough for me (the ones that aren't will the the ones that I plan to take when I'm mainstreamed next year to a local school). I joined the basketball team the first day even though I hate that sport. Several people asked me why. I don't know, I just did it. It turned out to be not so bad, but I really hate the rules. I somehow manage to break every rule possible! My signature move was probably hopping around like a frog with the ball in my hands (you are not supposed to move, except pivot when you have the ball). Good times!

The first day resulted in a massive headache from trying to make sense of the flying hands.

The second day resulted in me feeling like it's already a second home, but not fully realizing it.

The third day resulted in my excitement for RIT, a collage that had a good amount of deaf students.

The fourth day resulting in me telling parents, who were visiting with their youngster, that I already felt at home here and a senior telling me how horrendous his experience was when he first came here.

The fifth day resulted in not wanting to the fun to come to an end (temporarily at least).

The food was horrible. I ate chicken off the bone. I didn't have any time to get on a computer. I got up at 6:15 every morning all by myself. I'm catching up with my sign language. Everyday is extremely active. Instead of just relaxing after school like I'm used to, I was running around like a maniac. I want to join the yearbook club as a photographer. They want me for student council. I'm supposed to play for the JV Boys since they don't have enough players. I can barely finish any homework. I never knew it was even possible to have fun in school. I am happy again.

Questions? Comment.

2009-12-04T22:32:00.002-05:00

You don't realize what you have until it's gone someone said about me as a friend.
My last day included brownies, butterscotch cookies and coffee too. It was bittersweet, I still can't grasp the fact that everything I did was my last time. That I won't be returning. I have some good friends, but I never realized just how good they are until it was time to say our 'Good-byes'. Many good memories resurfaced today. More strangers talked to me than they did in a month.
It's time to move on, to start this journey.
It's time.

2009-12-02T21:49:00.004-05:00

I pulled out my vibrating alarm clock three days ago. That cursed vibrating clock.

In the mornings the alarm clock doesn't wake me up and I start to wonder if I'm going to even be able to get up for the new school. Then I trudge to school and I start to wonder if I'm making the right decision. I'm going to miss my old school so much. It may have put me through hell but I'm going to miss it:

the huge massive crowds, frequent fist fights and squabbles, seeing someone new everyday, friends who popped out of nowhere after they found out I was leaving, the bathroom stalls with Sharpie etched all over them, the teachers who love to do handstands and blow up balloons, the dirty humor I find etched on desks and walls, the little freshmen who have backpacks bigger than them, the Seniors who stride along like they are gods, the girls who have little clothing on, boys who hoot and whistle, staff with glares on their faces, librarians who love to tattletale, lunch ladies who know what you want for lunch because you order the same thing everyday, even though another 3000 kids order food everyday, the nerds who stumble in sweatpants, the lost souls who have no idea what to do with themselves, the kindly jocks, the kids who think they are all this and that, the females who fail gym because they couldn't possibly break into a sweat on a school day, the maze the my school literally is, the potheads who fail miserably in class, the flooding darkrooms, the addition they are adding to the maze, the students with cell phones under the desks, the gum pasted all over the walls, the lockers that actually do open, the new-new, new and old-old sections, the 4 cafeterias and 6 something gyms, the crowds I silently squeeze through in order to get to my next class, the girls who kiss each other, the boys with skinny jeans, the Mohawks, the 'White Power' and 'Black Power' arguments, the feisty kid in my global who always has to talk back, the handicapped boy who always has a smile on his face, the girl with deformed wrists that I smile at everyday as I walk to my bus to go home, the halls that I can finally navigate without getting lost, the kids who I watch,knowing that they have a lot of potential but they don't do anything with themselves, the boys who are gorgeous inside but not so on the outside, the numerous of human bodies that pour out, that you can blend into without ever being noticed, the greased floors, the locked doors, the young custodians that could be drop-outs for all I know, the smiles that I see everyday on strangers' faces, the laughter and giggles that slip into my ear and destruct, the couples walking down, hands eloped, the boy who screams like a girl in my gym class, the girl who I should have went up to and said 'If you need to say something about us, you can tell it to our faces' but didn't, the students who overuse the word Never mind around me, the school that I have been in for only a year and three months.

I'm going to miss it all. I then come home and try to convince myself that it is the righ decision. I think about what my life would be at that school. With quite a bit of freedom there and all that they have there for us to occupy ourselves with, I really think that I am going to have a blast. It's a good experience, right?

Someone that I met and befriended in camp told me 'There's only one way to find out! Think of it as an adventure!' in regards in whether is is the right decision to be making or not.

By the way, I just got the approval today. I am officially going! December 7th, here I come!

2009-11-26T23:20:00.006-05:00

As excited as I am, I still worry. I feel like by leaving I am missing opportunities. I am leaving a sport that I just discovered and absolutely love, I feel like I really could go far with it. My coach seems to think so too, he was pretty disappointed to find out that I was leaving the team (He actually shouted so another team is going to steal her from me?! (: ). Getting as far as the Olympics would be quite an accomplishment for me! By moving to a different school, I am at a disadvantage with crew. I just don't want to be missing out on anything. Boys, drama and opportunity; whatever it be I don't want to be taking a step backwards. I want to move forward with my life, to actually do something with it for once.

The only way to find out is to take the first step.

(Tell me something or ask me something)

2009-11-25T23:52:00.005-05:00

As a hard-of-hearing person, I have a choice. With a press to the on-switch, I am a hard-of hearing teenager in the hearing world. Another squeeze to the off-switch, I am deaf in a silent world. I can choose to be either in the hearing world or the deaf world. I could even keep one foot in each world at the same time if I drove myself to it. And that is what I am driving myself to do, to unite, not the worlds, but the people on them. The worlds should remain separate yet open, people should be able to flow in and out easily as one would do in Greece or Switzerland. Different world, different cultures, yet there is an ease to venture in and out of the worlds. The melting pot. I will advocate for the deaf, and inform hearing individuals one-by-one about the deaf world. I will show them that we are not uneducated idiots. I will show deaf individuals that it's not the end of the world to be raised in the hearing world, that it's not a curse to not know ASL even though one is deaf themself. I will show them that having their secret world open up to us while preserving it's culture is an advantage. I am thankful for being stuck in these two worlds, because now I can be a piece of a bridge that soon will connect these unique, yet amazing cultures. But before I can do that, I need to get to know the deaf culture better, I need to imerse myself in it and I'm excited for that experience.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-25T18:02:00.002-05:00

Nearly every deaf teenager I have spoken with told me things about myself that I never knew. One said I was a strong person. Another said I was such an easy and fun person to talk with (I thought I was an awkward person to be with). Someone also told me that I was extremely outgoing. I have this belief that deaf people are able to see through one's layers better than an 'average' hearing person. Why? Perhaps it's what they have to go though on a daily basis, or perhaps it's after years of learning how to read and make sense of lips, expressions and body language.
I seem to have this hidden side of me, the only side where I have the time of my life. I think this new school is going to crack open that side a bit wider. I think this new school is going to be the time of my life.

2009-11-24T21:32:00.004-05:00

"The meeting is going on right now and I just finished my chemistry test. I'm debating whether or not I should go down. The bell is about to ring so maybe I will see if the meeting has been adjourned or not.

I just ran down to guidance. The secretary led to to another woman whom I was familiar with. She told me that the meeting went quite well and that it has to get a stamped approval from, I believe, two other places. She also mentioned that my mom, who was doing a conference call with them, asked when it may be completed, when could I start school? We were given an approximate date:
December 7th! That's in 12 days! I had this foolish grin slapped across my face as I walked back to class."

My journal entry for the day says it all.

P.S. - I have quite a number of viewers and I'm curious to hear from you all so I set up a formspring for you shy folks hiding in the shadows. Ask me questions, tell me something new, type in anything. It's anonymous, I promise. And best of all? You don't even need to sign up for anything. I plan to occasionally reply through this very blog.

2009-11-23T21:20:00.003-05:00

We were about to leave to do some Christmas shopping, my grandmother and I, until someone pulled into our driveway. Confused, we watched a woman leave the car to retrieve several boxes from the trunk. My grandmother hopped out to see who she was. The woman looked up as my grandmother was speaking to her and starting to sign back. I was flabbergasted!
Turns out my mom had ordered a Video Phone and this woman was supposed to install it. She was deaf herself and only used sign language. I tried to help and communicate with her as best I could but I felt pathetic. I was the interpreter for her and my hearing family yet I barley could sign a full sentence. She had to repeat some signs for me to understand, no, a lot of signs. It was almost embarrassing for me because I feel as a deaf person I should know American Sign Language by heart. At least I'm going to be taking classes soon at the new school. And speaking of the new school, tomorrow is another meeting. I'm hoping that all goes well!

The Video Phone is fascinating by the way!

My mom was trying to communicate with this woman, and she actually started to talk slow to her llliiiiikkkkkeeee thhhiiiisssss with exaggerating words. I was floored. I thought she understood how I felt about that kind of stuff, how deaf people do. But then I realized, she's hearing and she's only using the method that seems most fitting. Yet I was still shocked and a bit hurt, not so much by her actions but by the fact that I am different in such a way even my own family cannot possibly understand what it's like. I think that may be a reason why I have been seeking out for others like myself so much lately.
I don't want to feel alone again.

2009-11-19T18:41:00.005-05:00

Sometimes silence is better.

Without my hearing aid, I could hear nothing (not even the whistle). Why was I a much better goalie when there was silence? The only theory I can come up with is that you're more focused at something such as goaltending (in which your only job is to see the puck and stop the puck). You are not affected by chaos that is noise in the game.

When you are a forward, you can't see everything all at once. Players will be coming from all angles to try to take the puck away from you. You have no choice but to listen for things that indicate whether or not you are under pressure. But when you're in goal, the entire game is right in front of you! You can see everything, and you do not need to hear anything. Your sole mission is to see the puck and stop the puck. Without sound, your mind doesn't wander or become influenced by the sounds you would otherwise hear. You don't begin to second-guess yourself or think too much.

I love my hearing aid, and I love hearing things. But when I put the mask on and stand between the pipes, I love the world of silence. -C.W.

I found that really interesting.

I am/was a rower myself at my high school and I sometimes would forget to change the batteries to my Cochlear Implant before we got on the water. So I'm stuck on a boat, deaf. There is a person called the cox who is in the boat and they shout out orders but I don't hear them. This does catch me by surprise whenever the rower in front of me starts doing something new but I catch on quickly.

Yet I find that with no one screaming orders and without the sounds of bodies and oars working together to push through the water, my technique is a lot better. I am able to concentrate 100% on what I am doing with my arms, legs and oar. I am able to pull on the oar harder.

I too love my CI, and hearing the sounds of the oars splashing onto the water and slides sliding up the seat all in union. And yet I am able to improve with my feet strapped in a thin boat and an oar in my hands begging for the water, in a world of silence.

Anyone else have experiences like this?

2009-11-16T19:15:00.005-05:00

I was looking briefly through Deaf Village and something caught my eye. Will Deaf Culture die out someday? I honestly don't bother with blogs that will rant about something that, to me, is a waste of time and effort. You can get the same message across with a shorter yet stronger one. To me what really matters are the little, yet huge things like this young man's accomplishment.

Will Deaf Culture die out someday? I certainly hope not. To me Deaf Culture is something similar to what I experienced in camp. We had our own language, our own small, secluded world where there was an understanding of what everyone had and is going through. It was our own culture where we felt comfortable in our own skins. To me it's the same as if an African American may feel more comfortable with others the same color as him, for they tend to understand what each other goes through (racism). This is my pathetic attempt to help you understand what deaf culture is like for me so please forgive me if I offended you. Without this Deaf Culture, it would certainly be a much harder blow to the deaf individuals out there.

I am seeking out to that Deaf Culture now, I am seeking to be with others like myself so I can finally feel comfortable in my skin for more than 24 hours, I am seeking to help others alone out there understand that there is indeed another world out there for them, if they ever choose to submerge themselves in it.

2009-11-10T18:55:00.000-05:00

They had a schedule waiting for me. I went through several evaluations and sat in a math class of 4 students. As the day wore on I felt less sure of my decision for some reason. Everyone was so kind and the students were flocking me in lunch which is something I have never, ever experienced in public school. But why was I so unsure then? Change.

Running through my mind was what I would have to sacrifice and the little amount of support I have from friends. Only one friend is actually supporting me through this. And sacrificing crew is a big deal for me. Once my coach found out about this, he was pretty bummed out and said that I have a lot of potential in the sport. The school I have selected has several sports for me to choose from but I already know that none of them will satisfy me enough like crew does. The school is so tiny, switching from a graduating class of 900 to 5 is a pretty drastic change. I'm used to blending in among the huge crowds. My mom said this: What would you rather be; a little fish in a huge pond or a big fish in a tiny pond? I am tired of being a little fish. I would love to become an inspiration to others, to help them realize that there is nothing we can't do as deaf human beings.

So are you going? Yes. That's when it became official for me, personally. I told this to the one that made me start having second thoughts. She's on my crew team... or was. I had a feeling she was being selfish when she starting going off about me leaving. Selfish because I am one of their best rowers. The surge of confidence I got when I looked straight into her eyes and said that I was going was pretty gosh darn fantastic!

I'm already preparing myself for the switch into a deaf world. I'm translating phrases into sign language in my mind. Sometimes they will project through my arms into my hands. The signs I don't remember, I look up.

I do believe I will succeed.

2009-11-05T19:32:00.001-05:00

Black cursive in a marble notebook has helped me a lot lately. It's been organizing my thoughts about this whole I may be going to a different school thing. Only one of my friends tries to be supportive (and I love her dearly for that), the others simply do not understand me enough and constantly ask me 'Why?'. A question I now despise. I do try to explain to them, how I am half-deaf and half-hearing and being raised in the hearing world has caused me to feel like I am missing something in my life. A piece yet to be found. Perhaps it will even help me find my identity. I feel like I could find that in the deaf world. As collage inches closer, I want to get an experience from both worlds before deciding which one to venture into. I want to learn more about the other half of me. During camp, I had a good view of the deaf world and I would like to go deeper into it. I want to become fluent in ASL and be able to communicate with those who understand what the deaf have to go through.
After several failed attempts of trying to help them understand why in the world I would want to leave, I decided that it was simply not something you can describe, it's something you have to experience in order to understand. It's frustrating.

In 5 days I am sitting in a class to see if I really, truly am sure of this decision.

2009-11-03T17:11:00.000-05:00

lady (signing): Are deaf or hearing?
me (signing): both?
lady(signing): Oh you mean hard-of-hearing?
Ha ha that's cute!

2009-10-31T10:27:00.001-04:00

School #1
I actually felt somewhat at home here even with the lack of communication (I don't know ASL). These kids were so kind and welcoming. They sucked me right into their circle and were patient with me. It's a small school yet it's large in heart. There was another girl who was going through the exact same thing as me (unhappy being mainstreamed with very few friends and missed being around other deaf people) and when I met her she was an extremely bubbly and energetic person. I don't know if she even was stuck in a shell when mainstreamed but I like to think that she was, and that the new environment pulled her out of it and transformed her.
Academic-wise, they seemed quite reasonable. They were willing enough to move me around into higher level classes since my education was more advanced. I could mainstream into a local school also for Honors or AP (collage) classes if I wanted. The one thing that caught my attention were the laptops. Each student would receive a beautiful Mac laptop. Technology is one of my weak spots.
But:
-the man giving us the tour refused to look or talk to me. He was all about advertising the school to my mom. I was tempted to wave my hand around and say "Uhh, hello? I'm the one that may go to this school, not my mom!"
-One girl was talking to me and then she signs "hearing sucks". I wasn't that greatly offended because I can see where she's coming from. Yet my mom was, understandably.
-There are several different buildings and with 10 feet of snow a year, trudging from building to building all day doesn't sound so wonderful.
-The location of the school isn't in such a safe area. Our tour guide even told us that the police had boarded up some houses down the street because they were dealing drugs and whatnot. Yet they did have very good security on the campus.
-It's 5 miles away from home.
-They only communicate in ASL so I won't be able to use my voice for a whole week and I will need to learn ASL while struggling to understand the teacher's lessons.
- They would have to fight in order for me to get into their school since I do so well academically.

We decided we loved it so much so my mom went ahead to sign some papers. As we were leaving, all the kids I spoke to were waving good-bye. My heart skipped a beat at that moment. We barely just met but they accepted me into their circle right away. They understood.

School #2
Since we already fell in love with the first school we arrived late, thinking that it was a waste of time. I actually heard some negative things about this one. Our guide greeted us and apologized profoundly that we had missed the kids since they left for early dismissal to go home (It was a Friday afternoon). After reassuring him that it wasn't his fault and that we were just running late, he proceeded to give us our tour. Boy, was he obsessed with the athletics there!
He introduced us to nearly everyone, some teachers who told us the classes they taught (Latin, music, dance and such). He told us about the school, how it's total communication and that the teachers must sign and speak at the same time. He told us that all the buildings were adjoined so I didn't have to step a single foot outside into the brutal winter cold. He told us that school starts later on Mondays so everyone can wake up at reasonable time to get on a bus and arrive, never mind the distance (for me it would be 6 instead of 3am). All throughout the tour, he spoke directly to me.
My mom was ecstatic with this school. It was in a better location. It's 2 hours closer to home and there was more of a variety of classes we could try. The total number of students was smaller than school #1. We wouldn't have to fight to get into this school, it was our decision. There were more sports to participate in (neither had crew unfortunately).
I was pretty pleased with this school too. The academics seemed pretty good, they actually won some kind of academic competition against school #1, which told me something.
But I still wanted to sit in a class or two with the other students and see how open and welcoming they are. We are going back within the next week to have me sit in a few classes and get evaluated if I decide that a deaf school would is right for me.

The fact that I may go away to school terrifies me. The fact that I may go to a place very similar to camp has me bursting from excitement. The fact that I may actually be accepted into society somehow seems that it actually may be possible after all.

2009-10-16T16:07:00.000-04:00

Some of you may recognize me from my old blog, snared soul and some of you may not. I stopped my previous blog when I came back from 2 weeks in camp. Camp had liberated me so much that I guess I got caught up in a fantasy. A fantasy where I thought I had fully accepted myself as I am and others did too. Then my second year of high school began along with fall crew.
It was hell.
I let all my emotions out on full rage onto my parents and I excluded myself from everything. Tears were getting harder to hold back until one little incident after school sent them flooding out. They would not stop until I was empty and I had to skip crew in order for that to happen. Then I remembered I had been skipping quite a few practices already. After some more pondering I came to the conclusion that I was depressed again. The next day my mother asked me where I felt most happiest in. I said camp.
Currently we are tackling the mission of finding a school for the deaf that has good academics (which has become my main priority - get a so-called education and bust out into the world). A mission that I hope will succeed with a happy ending.